Yesterday I was ironing my shirt getting ready to go to church.  It was a short sleeve shirt and when I laid it out on the ironing board to start ironing my brain stopped my hand just inches away from pressing the iron to the shirt.  I didn’t tell myself to stop…my brain did it.  Then I noticed that something didn’t look right.  I could see the buttons of the shirt (meaning it was oriented on the side I wanted to iron) but I could also not see the arm of the short sleeve (which meant it wasn’t oriented the way I expected).  The iron was getting heavy in my hand so I had to set it down as it dawned on me that the sleeve of the shirt was inside out.  Simply reaching inside the sleeve hole and pulling out the fabric set everything right again and I could go ahead and iron.

This is the way human brains work.  They have so much information to process they automatically clump and categorize features (such as visual images) and then only alert us when the picture is out of whack.  As an example, you have probably walked up the driveway while looking at your hands as you thumb through the mail you just got from the mailbox.  Your friendly cat slipped out the door behind and is now deciding to meet you in the driveway and rub up against your leg.  Before he touches you your peripheral vision sees the obstacle and suddenly you stop even before you know why you are doing it.

Enter the picky eater or problem feeder.  They have the same brain functions and theirs are highly attuned to changes in food and food presentation.  Perhaps they are protecting a strong gag reflex, are hypervigilant to avoid certain tastes or smells, or their oral sensory system can’t handle certain textures of food.  Ironing showed me that our senses will alert our brain and take evasive action even before we are conscious why we did what we did.  Unlike an adult, young kids can’t logically connect the dots (it was the cat at my feet that made me stop so fast that I almost fell).  They also can’t rationalize that just because I threw up once  around the same time that I ate (_____ fill in your child’s most scorned food) that doesn’t mean that was the cause or that it will likely not happen again. Many young children need multiple exposures to new foods as they desensitize to them and gain confidence and enjoyment.  Picky eaters with strong food defenses will take much longer to accept new foods into there diet. 

My wife (a Board Certified Pediatric Dietitian) and I (Pediatric Psychologist and Family Coach) are building a step-by-step guide and support system using the leading ideas in helping picky eaters and problem feeders.  We are looking for a few active and curious (a.k.a. exasperated) parents to field test our system at no cost.  Everything is done from home using the Internet and phone so there are no appointments to schedule.  If you are interested in being called for a short phone interview (if our system isn’t a match for you we can always provide a helpful referral or next step anyway) then email us and give us your number and best time to call.

I am proud to introduce a new and unique tool to assist families in spending quality Family Nights together.  Combining step-by-step coaching, week-by-week email lesson delivery and plenty of fun and flexibility this service will help you jump start spending quality time together (with no gas costs!).

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The following article passed by my eyes.  Comment on your success or frustrations in being able to grow your spiritual life when you have a child with special needs.

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Kids with Special Needs and Faith

Teaching Religious Beliefs with Children with Disabilities

© Lynn Moore

Jun 29, 2008

Parents of children with special needs are often concerned about sharing their religious beliefs with their children.

Sometimes a communication disability such as a hearing loss can make this difficult. In other cases, a developmental delay or autism can cause a problem in teaching ideas that are not concrete. Parents have options when it comes to sharing faith with their child.

Talk to other parents in your child’s school program to find out about what is offered in your area. Also, check with your child’s teacher to see if she teaches a class at her church.

Find out about other churches in your denomination. Many denominations have large churches with programs for children and teens with special needs.

Consider other denominations in your community. Depending on your location, you may want to consider attending a church in another denomination so that your child is able to be a part of an appropriate program. It does not mean that you have to change churches. You may decide to attend only select classes. Your primary membership can remain with your home church.

Think about starting a program at your church. If all else fails, you may want to consider starting a program. It is a great way to mold practices from the beginning and to get family friends and relatives involves. You will also have the opportunity to invite your child’s school friends.

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My church, Granger Community Church, has a specific program for children with special needs, above and beyond the “here’s your pager, will beep if you have a problem”.  Below is an explanation of the service from the GCC website

For children with special physical or mental challenges who need individual assistance in order to fully participate, every effort is made to connect each child with a Special Friend who will assist him or her during a weekend service. This is a deliberate process, taking into consideration the needs of the child and concerns of the parents in order to make the best match between each child and Special Friend. Due to this process, it may be necessary for a family to wait until a volunteer is found.  Download application or request more info.

If you live in the Michiana area share some other contacts of churches that do a good job supporting children with special needs.  Thanks, Dr. Ron

Go To www.stepwiseathome.com for detailed information and preview video

Are you a Parent of a 3 to 8 year old child with special needs?

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Are you managing the Next Steps of your child’s developmental needs by yourself?

Is it hard to coordinate communication between your child’s therapy, educational, and medical providers?

Do you wish you had help prioritizing the treatment needs of your child so you could do the best for him or her?

You’ve learned a lot about your child strengths and weaknesses. Are you now wondering how to best apply that knowledge to their next phase of growth?

Go To www.stepwiseathome.com for detailed information and preview video

Answer these 4 True and False Statements:

1. I am not sleeping well.
2. I haven’t been out with my friends, just for fun, in the past three months.
3. There are health and wellness activities I used to do (walking, aerobics, yoga, meditation, etc.) that I no longer do for myself.
4. I don’t have anyone who really “gets me”, that I can share my parenting experiences with.

If you can answer, TRUE, to any of these statements the trap of skimping on your self-care may have you ensnared.  You are hardly alone if your role as Mom has negatively affected your self-care.  A Parents magazine survey in 2007 reported that only 10% of Mothers with young children had gone out socially for fun in the previous three months.  If you can’t maintain and cultivate your adult relationships it will sure be more difficult to have that one friend who really “gets you” that you can be real with and not worry about how you are viewed. 

Health and wellness activities can be thought of as those things we do that serve as “energy gainers” in our lives.  As a parent of young children there is little you can do about some of the inevitable “energy drainers” you will face each day.  That make maintaining some energy gainers even more vital to your health.  Make a list of the energy gainers you used to do for yourself before you had kids.  Pick one from the list and get creative about how you can introduce it back into your life.  Come on now, Moms of young kids are the most resourceful and creative beings on the planet so you can do this.  I see many Moms combine tasks and goals such as power-walking the stroller with a good friend so that exercise, social time, and emotional support can all happen.  At other times you know that you never stop doing!  The National Sleep Foundation says that even 15-20 minute naps can be beneficial to the body.  How many times did you pass up that 15 minute nap window because you felt you had to get something else done while the kids napped? 

When I do retreats with couples I often ask them to discover the best G.I.F.T.S. they can give each other.  Here are some of the favorites couples share.

G = Guiltless Girl Time for Moms and Guiltless Guy Time for Dads.  Now Dads, guiltless means you don’t call her 5 times during the two hours she is out with friends because you can’t handle the kids.  It also means no snide remarks when she gets home.

I = Intimacy.  Make a date night, find a way, I know it seems impossible.  NIKE this one, Just Do It.  Guys, take the lead in planning and initiating this.  Nothing big.  Even 90 minutes at Barnes and Nobles to start (Parent and Child sections are off limits).

F = Fun.  With or without the kids around find ways to laugh and just have fun.  You used to be goofy, kids love it when parents take a prat fall.  Once they start laughing it is contagious.  Drop your to do list and use those free hands to tickle a kid!

T = Touch and Talk.  Intentionally kiss your partner goodbye when you leave and hello when you return.  Intentionally hug each other for at least 10 full seconds (if this feels awkward do a minimum of three times a day).  Share one good thing that happened in each of your days.  Dads, listen to yoru partners entire story.  Moms, let his comments be brief without probing for more.

S = Some Solitude.  Are you a Velcro Mom with some kid always attached to you.  Peel them off (yes they will make that awful tearing noise that Velcro makes) but do it anyway.  Moms tell me even grocery shopping alone can feel like a slice of paradise with a Starbucks in one hand and… well nothing in the other.

Answer these 4 True and False Statements:

1. Children should be seen and not heard.
2. Praising my child is the best way to build their self-esteem.
3. Praise and Encouragement are the same thing.
4. When my child behaves well, I often remark about similar situations when he didn’t behave well.

If you can answer, TRUE, to any of these statements the myths and uncertainties about how to emotional build up your child have you trapped. 

For the record, I believe children should be seen and heard.  I have yet to find a parent of a young child who tells me that they hope their child will lack self-esteem, not speak up for themselves, and get ignored or pushed around by others.  We need to raise our kids to be social beings and to learn to effectively and respectfully live in social relations with others.  To achieve this goal I draw a distinction between the words Praise and Encouragement.  I call Praise the Unleaded Regular of Emotional Fuel because it is not a bad thing, it is just not the best thing.  Plus, in certain situations praise can confuse the child about their place in the world.

Praise tends to come out as a reward or recognition that one earns by doing something that another person  (in this case my all important parent) likes.  Intended or not, praise tells a child what they have to do to be valued by you.  Praise statements tend to focus on how the parent or adult feels about the child or the pleasure the child’s behavior gave the adult.  They sound like this:

You’re such a good kid.

That’s a good girl.

I’m so proud of you.

It makes me happy when you _______.

The weaknesses inherent in Praising are the usual lack of focus on a specific behavior or attribute.  I have seen preschool kids who after hearing a generic “good boy” label themselves “bad boy” when their behavior choice does not meet a parent’s expectation.  We need to separate the whole of the child from their momentary behavior.  If the whole of my behavior was judged by my worst and most immature moments you wouldn’t bother to read anything I write.

Encouragement is a gift given for effort or improvement that can be given at any time. Encouragement focuses on the child’s internal efforts and sense of self.  Encouragement uses words that notice, such as :

You seem proud that you can build that tower.

You really worked hard on that.

Your getting better at _____.

Thank you for being patient at the store.

Think of a time when a friend or boss didn’t just praise you for getting something done for them, but really said words of encouragement and acknowledgement of your effort, growth, persistence, flexibility, etc.  You know that moments of Encouragement feel like Premium Emotional Fuel.

One word of caution.  Parents are like elephants – we never seem to forget.  Because we remember all the times our child’s behavior choices weren’t so good, we can sabotage our own encouragements by adding on a discouragement at the end.  Avoid adding the kinds of discouragements that are written in italics at the end of these encouragements:

You seem proud that you can build that tower, but don’t get a big head.

You really worked hard on that, if you could just do that more often.

Your getting better at _____, it’s about time.

Thank you for being patient at the store,  for once!

Answer these 4 True and False Statements:

1. Transitions are difficult and sometimes lead to power struggles with my child.
2. I feel like things are disorganized and cluttered in my home life.
3. I rarely follow a schedule or routine for meals, naps, and bedtime.
4. I haven’t really thought about my child’s natural daily rhythm of energy level, appetite, etc.

If you can answer, TRUE, to any of these statements then you are familiar with the stress and downright despair that comes from feeling like you are alone in raising the kids and running the household and can’t keep up.   Of course the best answer to this feeling is to experience the support of a dedicated partner.  However, whether you are a single mom or someone who has a dedicated partner, if you are the primary at-home parent you often are functionally parenting the kids by yourself.

The big idea that can dramatically change things for you is this: Design a Supportive Environment.  Having the environment of your home, your routine, and your daily rhythm working for you can feel like have a support partner working with you.  Young kids thrive on predictability, daily life is nothing if not unpredictable, but you can design the environment to work with you to make each day go better. Continue Reading »

Answer these 4 True and False Statements:

1. When I was a child my parents used a permissive style of parenting. 
2. The way my children react to my parenting efforts makes me feel disrespected.
3. I sometimes find myself giving my child a lengthy explanation of the reasons and rationales for my parenting decisions.
4. I am responsible for how my children behave.

If you can answer, TRUE, to any of these statements then you are familiar with the frustration that comes from falling into responsibility myth.  Its hard to do get trapped into feeling responsible for your children’s behavior.  Every snide comment and sneering look from customers in grocery stores and restaurants tell you that you are a bad parent if your toddler or preschooler has a public melt down.

The myth is that you are Responsible FOR your child.  The truth is you are Responsible TO your child.  This isn’t just word play.  Feeling responsible For leads a parent to constantly monitor the child’s behavior and then attempt to exercise control or manipulation to keep their behavior within certain limits.  However, have you noticed they have a mind of their own?  Even in infancy our kids begin to embrace their God-given ability to make decisions about what they will and won’t do.  Lot’s of times they make different choices than we want them to make. 

We have a far greater responsibility TO our child.  We are responsible to them in terms of what we model, how we display grace under pressure, in short we are responsible to our children for how we think, feel, and behave towards them.  The focus is on you because you are the only one you can ultimately control.  If you make sure you behave- even when your kids misbehave – then you have a greater chance of positively influencing the situation.  The only way to retain a position of influence with our children is to regain a position of control over ourselves. Continue Reading »

This entry will cover the idea of “Too Soft” techniques of parenting that aren’t effective.  By “too soft” I don’t be that you should be hard.  It means, notice when your parenting is focused on trying to “soften the blow” of what needs to or must occur; like bedtime.  Its comical, if you think about it, they way we ask fake or leading questions thinking it will lead to our child’s cooperation.  Asking questions like, “Don’t you think it’s time for bed?” is an example.  Trying to soften the blow this way only creates a battleground for agitation.  Young children relish the chance to answer “NO”.  Older children are offended at the unfariness of asking a yes/no question and then not allow “no” to be an answer.  So, a variation on Principle 2 from the last blog entry applies:  Use Fixed Choices instead of Leading Questions.

The final of the four survey questions gets at the mistaken technique of Emotionally Reactive Discipline.  It asked if you ever heard yourself say, ““Alright, I’ve had it! You’re getting a Time-Out.”  Though there is a version of Time Out I prefer and call Time-Away, what I want you  to understand today is the truism: [If you are too upset and parent reactively, then you waited too long to act].  Continue Reading »

Answer these 4 True and False Statements:

1. I find myself saying “No” more often than I would like.
2. I can’t seem to set reasonable limits on my child’s behavior without getting a lot of resistance.
3. I find myself asking my child a question like, “Are you ready for bed?”, when I really won’t accept any answer but Yes!
4. At least once I have heard myself say something like, “Alright, I’ve had it! You’re getting a Time-Out.”

If you can answer, TRUE, to any of these statements then you are familiar with the frustration that comes from falling into these verbal technique traps.  You remember Goldilocks and the Three Bears; the bed that was too hard, the bed that was too soft, and the bed that was just right?  Too often as parents we find ourselves swinging between hard and soft parenting techniques without success.

Let’s look at the problems inherent in “Too Hard” parenting techniques and the Principle that is behind the “Just Right” parenting action that works better.  Next post I’ll cover the “Too Soft” techniques.

Continue Reading »