Ron Craker

Answer these 4 True and False Statements:

1. When I was a child my parents used a permissive style of parenting. 
2. The way my children react to my parenting efforts makes me feel disrespected.
3. I sometimes find myself giving my child a lengthy explanation of the reasons and rationales for my parenting decisions.
4. I am responsible for how my children behave.

If you can answer, TRUE, to any of these statements then you are familiar with the frustration that comes from falling into responsibility myth.  Its hard to do get trapped into feeling responsible for your children’s behavior.  Every snide comment and sneering look from customers in grocery stores and restaurants tell you that you are a bad parent if your toddler or preschooler has a public melt down.

The myth is that you are Responsible FOR your child.  The truth is you are Responsible TO your child.  This isn’t just word play.  Feeling responsible For leads a parent to constantly monitor the child’s behavior and then attempt to exercise control or manipulation to keep their behavior within certain limits.  However, have you noticed they have a mind of their own?  Even in infancy our kids begin to embrace their God-given ability to make decisions about what they will and won’t do.  Lot’s of times they make different choices than we want them to make. 

We have a far greater responsibility TO our child.  We are responsible to them in terms of what we model, how we display grace under pressure, in short we are responsible to our children for how we think, feel, and behave towards them.  The focus is on you because you are the only one you can ultimately control.  If you make sure you behave- even when your kids misbehave – then you have a greater chance of positively influencing the situation.  The only way to retain a position of influence with our children is to regain a position of control over ourselves.

Remember our ultimate goal is that we will launch Response-Able young adults into this world.  With this in mind let’s reread the 4 survey questions from a Responsible To mindset:

When I was a child my parents used a permissive style of parenting. 

Permissive parenting cops out of any sense of responsibility, either For or To. 

I am responsible for how my children behave.  The way my children react to my parenting efforts makes me feel disrespected.

These statements tend to be the mantra of the autocratic parent.  You will define your sense of respect differently when you are responsible”to” your child.  You will focus on your behavior because respect is best caught, taught, and modeled…not demanded.

I sometimes find myself giving my child a lengthy explanation of the reasons and rationales for my parenting decisions.

A Responsible To parent gets that being a parent means we parent by principles, not by marketing and debate.  Charles Shultz of Peanuts fame got this point.  The parents in all his work were never seen above the knees and their words sounded like “Wah, Wah, Wah”.  Words of encouragement, short phrases of direction and expectation, and matter-of-fact action are what works with toddlers and preschoolers.