Ron Craker

Answer these 4 True and False Statements:

1. Children should be seen and not heard.
2. Praising my child is the best way to build their self-esteem.
3. Praise and Encouragement are the same thing.
4. When my child behaves well, I often remark about similar situations when he didn’t behave well.

If you can answer, TRUE, to any of these statements the myths and uncertainties about how to emotional build up your child have you trapped. 

For the record, I believe children should be seen and heard.  I have yet to find a parent of a young child who tells me that they hope their child will lack self-esteem, not speak up for themselves, and get ignored or pushed around by others.  We need to raise our kids to be social beings and to learn to effectively and respectfully live in social relations with others.  To achieve this goal I draw a distinction between the words Praise and Encouragement.  I call Praise the Unleaded Regular of Emotional Fuel because it is not a bad thing, it is just not the best thing.  Plus, in certain situations praise can confuse the child about their place in the world.

Praise tends to come out as a reward or recognition that one earns by doing something that another person  (in this case my all important parent) likes.  Intended or not, praise tells a child what they have to do to be valued by you.  Praise statements tend to focus on how the parent or adult feels about the child or the pleasure the child’s behavior gave the adult.  They sound like this:

You’re such a good kid.

That’s a good girl.

I’m so proud of you.

It makes me happy when you _______.

The weaknesses inherent in Praising are the usual lack of focus on a specific behavior or attribute.  I have seen preschool kids who after hearing a generic “good boy” label themselves “bad boy” when their behavior choice does not meet a parent’s expectation.  We need to separate the whole of the child from their momentary behavior.  If the whole of my behavior was judged by my worst and most immature moments you wouldn’t bother to read anything I write.

Encouragement is a gift given for effort or improvement that can be given at any time. Encouragement focuses on the child’s internal efforts and sense of self.  Encouragement uses words that notice, such as :

You seem proud that you can build that tower.

You really worked hard on that.

Your getting better at _____.

Thank you for being patient at the store.

Think of a time when a friend or boss didn’t just praise you for getting something done for them, but really said words of encouragement and acknowledgement of your effort, growth, persistence, flexibility, etc.  You know that moments of Encouragement feel like Premium Emotional Fuel.

One word of caution.  Parents are like elephants – we never seem to forget.  Because we remember all the times our child’s behavior choices weren’t so good, we can sabotage our own encouragements by adding on a discouragement at the end.  Avoid adding the kinds of discouragements that are written in italics at the end of these encouragements:

You seem proud that you can build that tower, but don’t get a big head.

You really worked hard on that, if you could just do that more often.

Your getting better at _____, it’s about time.

Thank you for being patient at the store,  for once!